🌿 Revisit #11 — Me Tarzan, Me Defensive:
The Walls We Build (And How They Crush Intimacy)
The Walls We Build (And How They Crush Intimacy)
Defensiveness is the armor we wear when we fear being exposed.
It looks like anger,
sounds like argument,
and feels like rejection —
but underneath it all
is a fragile heart terrified of being wrong,
being blamed,
or being seen too clearly.
Tarzan didn’t set out to wound Jane with his defensiveness.
He wasn’t trying to shut her down.
But every time she opened her heart,
he braced for impact —
and in bracing,
he broke her.
This revisit is the honest truth about how walls get built,
how they grow taller,
and how they eventually block the very intimacy both partners crave.
🌸 What Tarzan Was Really Feeling
Tarzan wasn’t angry —
he was scared.
Scared that he wasn’t enough.
Scared that he was failing.
Scared that Jane’s words were proof of his inadequacy.
Scared that her truth would demand change he didn’t know how to offer.
Every time she brought up a concern,
his mind translated it as:
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re messing up.”
“You’re the problem.”
So he defended.
He justified.
He explained.
He diverted.
He shut down.
Not because he didn’t care about her feelings —
but because he didn’t know how to face his own.
Defensiveness wasn’t his weapon.
It was his shield.
🌿 What Jane Was Really Feeling
Jane wasn’t attacking Tarzan —
she was trying to connect.
Every time she approached him with a need,
a hurt,
a question,
or a longing for closeness,
she wasn’t trying to point a finger —
she was trying to hold a hand.
But each time Tarzan bristled,
she felt:
Unheard.
Dismissed.
Invalidated.
Shut out.
His walls became her wounds.
She learned to stop sharing her heart
because every truth she offered got turned into a debate,
a justification,
or a misunderstanding.
Nothing kills intimacy faster
than making vulnerability unsafe.
🌿 Where the Communication Clogged
Jane expressed her feelings.
Tarzan interpreted them as accusations.
Tarzan defended himself to avoid shame.
Jane received it as rejection.
Both were hurting.
Neither felt understood.
And each argument layered another brick on the wall between them.
Defensiveness isn’t the refusal to listen —
it’s the inability to tolerate emotional discomfort.
And it blocks connection every time.
🌿 How It Could Have Gone Differently
What Tarzan could have said:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and defensive —
not because of you,
but because I’m afraid I’m failing.
I want to hear you.
Help me understand.”
What Jane could have said:
“I’m not blaming you —
I’m inviting you into my heart.
I need you to stay open,
not guarded.”
What they both needed:
A softening before talking
Curiosity instead of assumption
Pauses instead of reactions
Agreements around safe communication
Validation first, problem-solving second
A shared understanding that feelings are not accusations
Words that protect the connection, not the ego
Intimacy thrives where defensiveness dies.
🌿 Series 3 Intimacy Insight
Defensiveness doesn’t protect the relationship —
it protects the ego at the relationship’s expense.
When partners choose openness instead of armor,
connection replaces conflict
and truth becomes a bridge
instead of a battlefield.
🌴 Jungle Laugh:
“Tarzan’s apology had the right spirit… and absolutely none of the details.”
🔗 Navigation:
← Revisit #10 — Me Jane, Me Doubting
→ Revist #12 - Me Tarzan, Me Distant